Here We Go Again

I’ve been having an all-around shitty day.  The whole entire week has been strange, actually.

Here’s a rundown:

First, yesterday I talked with Chris about his ex Penny.  Long story short, we ironed out some underlying issues/worries we both have regarding exes and how we got together.  And, although we’ve had this discussion a few times before, it still was enlightening.  Again, we talked about how the way we started dating wasn’t ideal and how some people might even argue it was sneaky or something.  But the bottom line is, is that he was in a position he never thought he’d be in and he really tried to be fair to Penny, me and himself.  In the end, his feelings for me won over.  I voiced my fears that I was afraid that the same thing that happened to him and Penny would happen to us.  He truly feels a big reason things happened the way they did with Penny was because he couldn’t open up to her and be honest with her about his feelings and doubts.  She is kind of dramatic and flies off the handle very quickly and he never felt comfortable opening up with her.

He doesn’t feel that way about me and he feels he can be open and honest.  And if his feelings for me change — and he doesn’t believe they will change for the worse — he knows he can talk to me about it without fear of me going bat shit crazy.  Chris doesn’t feel there’s someone else out there who will catch his eye.  But he said that if it happens, he really believes it’s not going to unfold for us the way it did for him and Penny and that he feel he can talk to me about it if it happens.

I suppose it wasn’t the most romantic thing for him to say but it was important for me to know.  After all, you’d think a girl would want to hear, “Oh, honey, I’ll always love you.  You’re the one — no one will ever turn me on as much as you do.”  As much as I feel Chris are going to be together for a long time, we’re realistic.  You know, shit happens.  We can’t live in this fairy tale bubble, thinking we’re both never going to face temptation.  The least we can expect from each other is honesty.  And I believe we have that.  If we’re going to build any kind of future together, then honesty and trust have to be at the core of it.

So Chris says he’s going to kindly suggest to Penny that she not call or contact him or his family.  I didn’t ask him to do that but I’m glad he’s taking the initiative.

Okay.  Enough about that.

Moving on…

So this morning, I woke up feeling a little…frisky, I guess you could say.   I really wanted to have sex.  Didn’t need to be a long ‘love-making’ session — just quick, hard, fast.  Well, it didn’t happen.  No big issue here, just bad timing. 

So, alright.  I was a little frustrated but I could deal with it. 

Then my mother called with some very upsetting news about something going on in her family.  Suddenly I felt really sad, wanting to reach out through the phone and give her a hug.  Knowing that I couldn’t be right there for her at that moment made me feel helpless.  I asked her if she wanted me to come home.  She said no and that she’ll see me and Chris on Easter Sunday.

Then I called Chris to tell him and he cheered me up as much as he could but he was at work and I didn’t want to bother him.  So I went about my day, my head just swimming (more like drowning) with thoughts about everything…I didn’t get a chance to go to yoga class which I think would have been extremely helpful to me in this state of mind.

My friend Scotty played hooky from work today so I promised we’d meet for coffee so we could catch up.  I wanted to hear about him and Pantyless.  We met at this coffee shop on Union Square and we talked.  He told me about Pantyless and why he broke up with her.  He wasn’t ready to make a commitment to be completely monogamous.  None of this surprised me.  I knew something like this was going to happen.  I knew the novelty of dating just one woman at a time was going to wear off for Scotty and I knew that Pantyless was going to get frustrated with his constant need to be with many women.

So there he was just talking about Pantyless and how he had really hoped things were going to work out.  Part of me wanted to say, “Well, it would work out with her if you could bite the bullet and promise to sleep with just her while you’re dating her.”  But I didn’t.  I wasn’t really in the mood to go there.

Then he said, “Kara, I wish I could find a girl like you.  Chris is lucky.”

I shook my head.  “No, no, no.  You don’t want a girl like me.  Because I wouldn’t put up with your bullshit with the other women.  Not for a second.”

“No, see you’re wrong.  See, I think a woman like you would want to make me change.”

Whatever.  My mind was in so many different places at that moment that I couldn’t properly contribute to the conversation. I should have really given Scott a rain-check on our coffee date.  He noticed I wasn’t completely engaged and he said, ”Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

So I told him about what was going on with my mom’s family.  I didn’t think I would, but I started crying.  And, being the friend he is, he reached out and hugged me. 

I’ll be honest.  It did feel nice — it always does when he hugs me.  He’s a great hugger.  But maybe it was the combination of being sad and feeling horny because I hadn’t gotten any this morning, but I held him tighter than I usually would.  I just really needed to feel close to someone.

He let go of me and took a napkin to wipe my tears away from my eyes.  He brushed some hair out of my face with his hands.  Then he just kept looking at me and started playing with my hair.  We were sitting side by side, really close.  It kind of started to feel a little weird.

Then he said, “Oh, Kara…I look at you and sometimes I just want to take you and hold you and….”

I shook my head. No.  This was going somewhere I didn’t want it to go. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he said, “I just want to…I mean, I want to make you feel better…can we…let’s go to…”

I didn’t want him to finish the sentence.  I don’t know what exactly he was going to say but I know him well enough to know where it was headed and it wasn’t what I needed.  I wanted to say, “Are you kidding me?  I seriously don’t want to fuck you now.”

I told him I had to go and I ran home.  I really started crying then.  I just wanted him to be my friend, nothing more.  I wasn’t looking to be comforted sexually by him but I think he might have taken it that way. 

Thinking about it just makes me kind of angry.  And sad.  And so utterly disappointed.

Scott — my dear friend for the past 10 years — has always somehow known what I’ve needed to hear or what kind of way he should be when I’m feeling down.  He’s a treasure like that.  He has always known what to say or  do and he’s never really failed in delivering, never not been the friend I needed. 

Until today.  On top of everything else I’m dealing with, I really didn’t need this bullshit.  Seriously.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll feel differently about everything tomorrow. 

Right now, everything is just kind of shitty all around.